Ninja Attack

Little mishap last night while camping near Glacier National Park...

Seems we had a ninja infiltrate the campsite. It was a daring, stealth attack in true ninja fashion. Unfortunately the poor bastard chose 4am for his raid, obviously assuming we would be sound asleep and he could silently kill us one by one. Instead, he suddenly found himself in the midst of trouble when the alarm clock buzzed, waking us from our slumber.

I was the first to notice him, and screamed "Ninja!"

This, of course, roused the others into action. Under the light of the setting moon the campsite took on a surreal kick flick kinda scene. Cody, dressed in naught but his skivvies, leapt to his feet and began throwing roundhouses. The Ninja's first instinct was to retreat, but then Adam did a jedi back flip over the smoldering embers of the campfire to cut off his escape route. Trapped on all sides, the Ninja did the only thing a true Ninja could do-- he flexed and struck a cool looking kung-fu pose.

For a moment, we just watched in awe.

Now we could have all rushed him at once... but that's just not how it's done. So in true Martial Arts style, each of us took turns matching him skill to skill, mano a mano. Adam was first. He exchanged a series of lightning quick blows with the masked attacker, while the rest of us stood on the sidelines striking our best karate stances. Adam's punches failed to connect as the Ninja was infallible with his defensive blocks and counter attacks. Then, with a single, well coordinated sweeping kick, the Ninja sent him to the ground. Down for the count.

I jumped in, determined to dispatch the black-cloaked menace. Unfortunately, I am not a morning person and it's really important that I have a coffee... y'know, to get going. As a result, the first punch I threw must have looked like it was in slow motion. The Ninja easily side-stepped it, yawned as it went past his face, then swiftly planted a foot directly into my pancreas. It may have been two or three kicks (hard to tell because once again I was low on caffeine) which sent me flying backwards where I smashed against the side of the Truckster.

Before I hit the ground, Cody was flying through the air with a full-on power-kick. The quiet night erupted with his death scream- AAAhhhhhhh-eeeeeeiiiiii.

The Ninja took the entire force of Cody's momentum and was knocked backwards. Rather than getting laid out, he tucked, rolled and popped up into another, even cooler and bad-asser Kung-Fu stance! I'm talking, this stance was SO WICKED COOL it literally struck us all with intense fear. His legs were wide, bent at the knees as he stood on the balls of his feet. His hands cocked at the wrists, waiting to snap like a whip and remove someone's heart from their chest. He was ready to explode with some Matrix-level shit. And c'mon... how can you defeat someone who looks THAT KUNG-FU COOL?

No sooner did I ask the question in my mind, than it was answered...

Rom, who had been slow to wake from his slumber and was still on the ground, slung a beer bottle with amazing force and accuracy. First, it wasn't empty, it was full. And second, it wasn't just a good throw, it was a 90 mile an hour fast ball-- right in the strike zone. Which in this case was the Ninja's left temple.

The impact caused a splatter of blood and beer mixed with brown glass. And I couldn't help but think back to the slogan, "The night belongs to Michelob." How true, how true!

Needless to say the King-Fu coolness stopped right then and there. The Ninja dropped like a bag of wet cement, hit the dirt, and instantly went limp.

The campsite was quiet again. For a moment we all just looked around at each other. Dumbfounded. Adam was the first to speak, whispering with disbelief, "Dude, you just killed a Ninja."

Unimpressed, Rom closed his eyes, laid back down and grumbled, "Yeah, well... he was pissing me off."

Thus was today's 4am adventure.

Now we're at Denny's trying to figure out what to do with a dead Ninja. Anyone out there have experience with such situations? Perhaps you have some advice and can help a brother out? Maybe you know someone who gets rid of dead Ninjas?

Please let us know.